my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
