And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
