Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
