I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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