remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
