: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
