Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
