When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
