we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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