is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
