i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I just found a bag of teeth...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
