Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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