just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
is wine microwaveable?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
