Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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