Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
