At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
