what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
