"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
thus making me awesome and them whores
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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