so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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