He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
