I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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