So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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