went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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