I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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