you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize