Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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