Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
