Plan B is the new Plan A
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize