god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
