On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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