Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
