i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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