I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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