I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
