just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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