we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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