Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
