oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
