Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
