I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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