You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
