ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
