i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
