I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
