Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
