I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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