Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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