my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
