You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
