I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
