I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
