I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
