Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
