I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
