I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
