Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
