i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
