New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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