apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
