he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
