Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
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