Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
