Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
