so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
